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Reviewed by: Chris Burton

13 Mar 2008

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

What is this unbelievable travesty of a movie? What the hell happened? I don't understand what I just saw. Was the toy store alive? What's going on!??

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh. After all, this is a kid's movie and it may work on that level. And it does have Natalie Portman in it. She's the shiznit. But I just couldn't stand it. Tonally, it was so ridiculously all over the place that it seems that it only was made for kids with ridiculous add. Its the story of a 243 toy store owner named Mr. Magorium (Dustin Hoffman) and his magical toy store. The magical, mystical place, where anything is possible, is presided over by the irrepressible Mr. Magorium, who has owned it for over a century. But he's getting ready to shuffle off this mortal coil, and has designated his successor to be Molly Mahoney (Natalie Portman), the short-haired pixie who has worked at the store since she was in her early teens. Molly, despite being only 23, is suffering through a mid-life crisis and doesn't necessarily appreciate what her boss is offering her. But it snot really a significant conflict, because all the while you're so damn distracted with the assault on your senses. And in this case, I give assault its usual negative connotation.

This movie reminds me a great deal of Jumanji, which is a movie that makes me want to gouge out my own eyes, jump off the empire state building onto a bicycle with no seat, and unload a twelve gauge shotgun into my face. I suppose its not quite that bad, but it gets there. I don't think it would be possible for Dustin Hoffman to phone in a performance this obviously. I picture him like Marlon Brando on set, reading his lines off cue cards placed in convenient positions, rubbing his bald head, and cursing at Frank Oz.

Portman does alright. She is pleasant to look at, and I suppose she tries a bit harder than Hoffman. But in the end, there isn't much any actor could do with such a sub-par script. I heartily advise you not to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.